Dear Katie

"How do you sit on a meatpie?" is one of the most perplexing philosophical questions of the modern era.

And as such is impossible to answer.

It ranks up there with another, yet equally tricky, piece of conjecture:

" I think, therefore I am, a Rhubarb Tart " …

... first expounded as a philosophical statement in Latin by Descartes and more latterly in the epochal work of Cleese, Chapman, Gilliam, Idle and Pallin and which became a foundational element of Western philosophy. The simple meaning of the phrase is that if someone is wondering whether or not he exists, that is in and of itself proof that he is a
rhubarb tart (because, at the very least, there is an "I" who is doing the eating).

Furthermore,

"How do you solve a problem like Maria? A Will 'o' the Wisp, a flibbety giblet, a clown ?

This is another, as yet unresolved enigmatic observation that ponders the deep metaphysical associations between philosophy and food and comes from the seminal writings of Oscars and Hammersmith , first expounded by Dame J. Andrews either at the Royal Society or the Royal Variety Performance - not sure which.

The Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger and the late Sir Thomas Cooper (but only by 5 minutes) also left us with a similar , though non food related paradox, namely:

" Cat Box, Box Cat "

Also, " Pie Box, Box Pie " and "Spoon Jar , Jar Spoon" as hypotheses, work just as well - reductio ad absurdum.

Proof of the reduction can be seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc3u9bVV6s4

Once again, thank you for your very engaging question, I will put it in a bag with the other philosophical questions I have answered this week, which include " Are you Gay?" and "This meatpie thing is total bollocks!"

Regards

Mr B Russell

Dear Phil.

80% of the "work" of Darren Brown is officially magic.

This is because his name is an 80% anagram of the word abracadabra. The higher the % the better the magic.

Brad Caaarba, was given the only known 100% anagram/name match. And unfortunately he made himself disappear 30 seconds after being born.

He has never been found.

Such is the power of magic.

Hope this helps.

Sir Isaac Newton was an English physicist, mathematician, astronomer, natural philosopher, alchemist, and theologian who is perceived and considered by a substantial number of scholars and the general public as one of the most influential men in history.

According to Wikipedia he was born 4 January 1643 – 31 March 1727 - which I must admit strikes me as being an awfully long time for his poor mother to be in labour.

Hope this helps.

Regards

Steve

Dear Philip

This is not a particularly difficult question, but in order to give you the absolutely correct answer, you will have to tell me
the nature of the product, the market and a word or two about the target customer/user base.

My answer will then enable you to totally re-invogarate your consumer proposition, boost sales by 3000% in one day,
increase sales by NZ$34bn and probably get you a hefty pay rise, at least 3 new sexual partners of your preferred sexual orientation, a second home on the South Island and a moustache.

Speaking of which, I also "must dash".

I await your reply

Simon C.

Dear Dave

This question is somewhat ambigous, so I have made the assumption in answering that you are not referring to Penguins as in " books" or the "feathered fish."

But rather the chocolate biscuits.

Which I can tell you with certainty - are not happy.

Hope this helps.

Good question Phil.

Contrary to popular belief, Henry the 8th in actual fact had only one wife. But she had 8 different names.

Namely:

Scarlett Johansen
Charlene Tierzon
Jennifer Aniston
Madonner
Noberta Stiles
The girl who works in the Irish Bar
The chinese girl on Bloomberg Eastern Markets Desk
Voluptuous Honeypot

Who coincidentally, are also all the same girls on my "bench"*

Regards

Oliver C

*see question referring to the amount of sperm a man can produce in one day

Okay.

On the top of your Iphone is a small ihole.

Look down this ihole using a gas spectrometer and if you see a £ symbol this means you have immersed your iphone in soup.

Don't do it again.

Regards

Steve Jobs

Water goes down the plughole clockwise, because 99.9% of water is right handed.

And that is all I've got to say about that.

Regards

Tom H

No. 2 and 2 = 5. And here's why.

When a 2 meets another 2 as in 2 + 2 = 4 they automatically give each other a high 5.

So. Do to one side what you do to the other i.e take away the high, and quid pro quo you are left with 5.

Easy.

Regards

Euripedes

Yes it most certainly is - I have seen it.

Regards

Captain J. Kirk.

Contrary to popular belief, sperm is not made in the spleen, but in the testicles, where the following equation for calculating how much sperm can be made in a day (z) applies.

3x + 7y(a-b) x (b - p) x f = z

Where:

x - the length of the penis
y - the diameter of the right testicle
a - the age of the sperm producer
p - the size of your girlfriends chest (i.e 34d or 36c)
b - the number of fit girls on the "bench" *
f - the number of times you ejaculate

"Bench" - a theoretical mental bench on which the penis holders favourite girls sit together waiting to come into the head to help with the ejaculation process.

Hi Carl

If you mean by "capital" , the currency used in Spain, the answer is the Pasato.

If you mean by "capital" the value off all the assets of Spain, at the moment it is about 340 euros (thanks to the slump).

If you mean the "Capitol" city of Spain - i.e. el pueblo principal - Spain is unique in that it has 3 Capitol cities - Magaluf, Rome and Hull.

Interestingly, the Spanish capitol is also the Spinach capitol - producing almost 6 trillion tonnes of the stuff last week.

The capitol is also "twinned " with Hull. Which kind of makes it, it's own Grandpa.

Hope this helps.

Sevi

Dear Piers

Clearly you are asking this question because you are concerned that in the downstairs department you are not carrying sufficient leverage.

Rest assured, the true, average penis length is only 14 inches.

Regards

Don K.